10 Things You Do When You Fancy Someone (But Probably Shouldn’t)
1. Stare at them, a lot.
Because intensely boring into the back of someone’s head like you have x-ray vision and can see through their skull and into their brain isn’t creepy, much.
2. Stalk them on social media.
So you were just innocently admiring their new profile picture and then SUDDENLY five hours have passed by and you have clicked through, scrutinised and compared yourself to everyone they’ve ever dated. Somehow you have ended up on the Facebook page of their first cousin once-removed’s step-mum. Your self-esteem is at rock bottom, you are hangry and you need a wee.
3. Pretend you don’t like them.
Hint: If you are mean to them, they are going to think you are fundamentally, a horrible person. Thus, your fantasies (marrying them> having all of their babies > divorcing them > having a brief fling with their BFF > rekindling your romance > remarrying them> dying wrinkled, grey and entwined with one another in a bed on a sinking ship) will unlikely play out how you had hoped.
By this I mean, you assume very posed and unnatural stances every time they look at you in an attempt to look sexy. This is until you either miss your leaning post and fall over or catch sight of your reflection and realise you look like a darn fool. A darn fool! People still say that right?
5. Think about them constantly.
You can’t concentrate, sleep or eat because your stomach feels all fluttery and your heart feels like it is going to explode every time you think about them – which is pretty much EVERY WAKING HOUR OF THE DAY. I mean, you’re even dreaming about them. They have literally invaded your unconscious thoughts. They are basically like a really cute version of Freddy Kruger.
6. Pretend to like the same things as them.
Long story short: sooner or later you gonna be found out hunni.
7. Check your phone every second and a half to see if they have text you back.
Impatience and paranoia are just two signs that you are a product of the Apple-generation. So while I applaud you that you made it to the stage where you have actually exchanged digits with your crush, I now welcome you to phase 2: compulsively checking your phone to see if they have text you/replied to the message you sent 5 minutes ago. Your BFF assures you that if your crush leaves longer than 1.5 seconds between texts, they can’t be that into you. Even though you hate to admit your BFF is right, you have to acknowledge the fact that all millennials have superglued their phone to their hand and would be able to respond instantly if they really wanted to. I mean, it’s not like people have actual lives to live.
8. Pretend to like their BFF in some weird attempt to make them jealous.
Not only does this make you look pretty fickle, but it also means you will probably end up dating, marrying and sinking on the Titanic (see point 3) with someone you don’t actually like.
9. Think they couldn’t possibly like you back.
Because they just might – and you kind of want to avoid reacting like this when you find out they do #Playitcool:
10. Laugh maniacally at all of their jokes even when they are not funny.
Because impersonating Mr. Burns every time they say something vaguely funny probably isn’t that much of a turn-on. Also, if you do end up dating, you are setting the bar too high my friend – you’ll be faking the LOL so often, your face will begin to ache and the constant pain in your cheeks will lead you to resent your crush. Slowly you’ll begin to loathe the relationship you are in and you’ll forget how to authentically smile. Your brow will furrow. Your relationship will end, you’ll forget how to smile and your brow will permanently furrow. It’s too tragic for words.