Appearance & Body Image

Another thought

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    So comfortable relationships tend to make me gain weight. Which wasn't always a bad thing, until 3 yrs ago I hit 200pds. Now I'm barely 5 ft tall.. yes I'm a short Italian lady. Well this relationship came to an end 2 years ago. That was when I decided to change my eating habits and add a little extra movement here and there. Slowly I have finally reached my current weight of 140 with alot of discipline towards healthier food choices and adding more activity to my weekly routine. But I still see that slob in the mirror as if I'm still that weight at my height ( kinda like I have what shallow Hal had in that movie but the opposite like instead of my actual size I feel like I see an elephant when I look in the mirror.. Smh. To me I was sloppy. Some ppl are gorgeous with weight. But not me and apparently not now neither. I feel every time I open up to a man they hold me for a little while and then drop me like a bad habit for the next shorty or even a ex. What's wrong with me? I know I still have work to do but jeezzz smh it's really starting to make me feel ugly, fat, maybe even that I could be horrible company for them or maybe I'm even no good intimatly as well.

    So recently I gave into seeing someone about a month ago ( whichwi knewkthis person for years but also haven't seen in a long time. This man had been trying to hang out for over two years with me and I kept flaking on him because again on the inside I feel as if I'm not hot enough to be his companion. Well everything has been going great ( conversations, intersests, hobbies, goals, even when it came to being intimate...etc. I even felt that i was beautiful again around a aattractive man with only mascara applied. Then today out of no where I get asked " Jen I ask you a serious question? Im like yeah what's up babe? He says " what's up with you, do you like girls?" Also today he said to me through text after I left him and went home " I feel deep down inside that your a pimp"...( I'll get back to addressing the pimp comment in a few more sentences". Now at this point "yes" I was annoyed because I'm seeing a "man" not a "female" ( don't take this offensive at all if anyone reading this is apart of the LGB community, I respect you all, I'm just not, ya know). Now obviously If I had interest in the same sex as i, I'd be with a woman, right!? So this ridiculous conversation now has my mind kinda spinning because this hasn't been the only time a man has said this to me.. but usually the person will claim its just a joke and brush it off. But how is that funny and why am I being asked that? Like what about a person gives that impression? I've never looked at someone and got a impression that they were anything unless I seen a couple holding hands. I really just don't get it. But then I compared the situations ( not that I like to compare my relationships to prior or existing ones) but I did on this manner. And I almost feel as if it may have something to do with the person being attracted or secretly talking to someone else. Last time a bf said something like this it started with comments like that and gradually increased to more really negative and hurtful statements. Like excuse my language right now.. but calling me " a fat fuck", things to that nature. I'm sure your imagination can fill in more. But at this point I was at my desired goal size and weight which I worked very hard to get to. Right now I'm comfortable at 140 then I was 125 which is what my goal is currently to achieve. I may not look the sexiest naked but I definitely don't look horrible. 🙃🙁😕😐 So I'm confused with these insults that have been thrown at me. Ok after having children yes my body has changed. My boobs shrunk and my kids took whatever butt I had when I was younger. But even though I have smaller breasts then some they aren't gross and even though I don't have a Kardashian hiney, I'm working on it. It's part of my goal. I used to want a breast augmentation and even looked into butt implants of some sort .I even looked into having my face... Yes my face guys... Something, anything done just to be beautiful. But I didn't do any of it. Instead I decided to gradually decrease using makeup on my face while learning how and actually appreciating and admiring everylittle freckle I happen to have. I barely wear any makeup anymore. I've become comfortable with me and honestly my only " have to do" is my mascara everyday. Sometimes I'll throw eye liner on just to make my eyes pop because I honestly really like my eyes. I have Hazel Green blue eyes. To me they are unique. I even used to wear a suck me in tank top under my clothes just to feel skinny. I even kicked that habit. So overall I feel like I'm doing better loving myself. My personality... Everyone I've ever encountered ( which usually turns into befriended) has always loved or liked me because I have a down to earth, humble, funny, smart, caring , giving, sensible ( wow that's actually the first time I ever named off anything positive about myself; like have you ever been on a job interview and the person interviewing you states " tell me some good qualities about your self" that's when I always replied with a gentle smile and a shy giggle looking down " I knew this question was coming and everytime someone asked me this I honestly say ma'am I'm really not good talking about myself" no matter who I've had that conversation with they always liked that I couldn't and didn't brag about myself but the reality of it was definitely to deliver a better response). Now let's get back to the " pimp" comment... I said to him " what in the world do you mean by that ( while I laughed)". He's says... I feel like you date a bunch of men while seeing me" now I'm completely thrown off. Like in my head where did this thought even come from. Ok so a little background history on this man.... Honestly he really doesn't have his shit together. He doesn't have steady income, no car, cell phone, things like that. Bouncing between his family members houses. ( I'm not talking down about him). Well now I know allllll that and I'm still happy when we have the opportunity to link up. Like I really do care and miss him. When I see him I usually put the money out for whatever ( he never asked for any, first time he did was the past two times we hung out) But I do things out of the kindness of my heart and isn't looking for it returned, ya know. Well today he had a interview which was 45 mins from where he lives... Now I live 30 mins from him.. his ride ditched him. So he had no way to this interview. I offered and did drive 30 to him to go another 45 minutes away which was the plan... Didn't even get gas money. I even gave him a few bucks and a place of smokes. The catch here is that no one knows is that on the way to this interview, I let him drive because he knew where he was going. He falls asleep at wheel and crash. My car was side ways in a huge ditch. It's totaled... Now I had to pat 300 for a tow... Ohh not to mention last week he hit a mailbox on the other side of my car. So he really did cause alot of damage. And I didn't freak out on him at all... But after I finally get towed to my house an hour and some change at this point I get told through text that I must be seeing someone else, the lesbian thing and that he doesn't think I'm for him... REALLY!? Are F-ing kidding me???? So this is the point that I'm at today. And this is why I'm writing a book right now....ohhhhh not to mention he doesn't have a phone right....so he uses mine when we get together which I'm cool about. But today and this hasn't been only today... But he looks into fb and stays talking and linking up with other females. Like " are you spending the night again?" WTH... I really haven't questioned hi. But today I seen that text and said " hey I guess the girl you've been talking to this evening wants to know if your spending the night with her?!

    So basically now I feel like it's ok for me to compare behaviors from prior relationships because this is starting to become pretty damn similar to the last jerk I was with. Like I'll accuse you even though it's really me bs... Smh... And the let's make her feel like nothing so she's afraid to move on... Am I wrong?!!! Really am I ? I'm still going to keep it calm and keep watching him without coming out of character. But I'm not going to stick around too much longer if that's really what's going on. So basically I need to grow some Idgaf balls and eventually say what needs to be said and probably kick this one to curb...I just can't believe he legit crashed my car and then has the nerve to say and do dumb shit. If anyone actually reads this plssss respond and let's talk about it... Actually any post I've done tonight. I have so much to vent and get advice about. Definitely need positive advise about confidence, maybe I have a little bit of depression going on, idk . Definitely would be fantastic for someone to talk to who isn't judgemental. Rant over for now. 😌

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