Disability

I really need some help...

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    Okay. Firstly, this post is probably going to be very long, so I apologies for that. I haven't spoken about it properly, like I'm about to, for years. I speak to a few friends about it sometimes, but never fully. Not even my best friend knows all of it, nor my mom. I hate talking about it, so so much, but lately its gotten be shook. I feel broken and upset about it. I wasn't sure who to talk openly to. I don't always want to explain to friends, because for one its A LOT to type/read and two hate knowing that close people know about it. If that makes sense. Then, I saw this forum on this page. Shit, I was relieved and now here I am. Forgive me if the story is fragmented and all over the place, and long, but I just need to spill the beans. I have no idea where and how to start, but here goes.

    So, pfff, I have tourettes (I swear I never know how to spell it :/ ). It isn't really bad, in fact it's probably mild compared to some people's. But just like anything, stress/nerves/anxiousness/long term stress, worries etc, make it worse. In the last two years, since I finished high school and moved into Sixth Form, it's gotten worse. Because it's mild, I've been able to 'hold it in' during high school and keep it from causing trouble, thus keeping people from noticing. Obviously, some people saw more of it, like my best mate and close friends, who I could relax around and they wouldn't mention it or judge me, even though they didn't even know. Moving up to Sixth Form meant most of the year group moved away to else where, so our group was less than 30 in students. In those two years (I've literally just left Sixth Form) it's got worse..

    I don't know if it's the smaller classes, smaller year group, the almost constant stress, or the fact that almost all the time I was with close friends and teachers I really liked, but it started to show more. It still wasn't enough for anyone to say anything though, so it wasn't exactly bad. But it stressed me out more. Now, Sixth Form is the step up from high school, not quite university though, some think it's tougher than university. But the two years of long term stress, I think, has really taken its tole. The ramp up to exams, the threat of getting a job in summer, the worries of uni, a relationship (which is now possibly at an end), the stress of the issue itself, the energy I put into keeping it below the radar, the list goes on. If I remember correctly, when I did exams at the end of high school, I think it got a little worse.

    When I used to go to the doctors, when I was like 11/12 (I'm now 18) they said that it naturally gets worse during teen years due to puberty, stress, hormones, high school stress etc., so I'd hope that in the next handful of years it'll start to fade away a little. I can only assume it has gotten worse recently due to the long term stress of the last two years. But also, it gets worse around people I love/trust/know well. So, when I'm with my best mate, it gets worse because I relax with them, because I know they won't make a fuss and accept me. That also means, that when I'm at home, it's probably at its worst, despite the fact that my parents sometimes moan about it. This also means that when mom talks to me about it, she assumes it worse than it is. They see the worst of it, because I totally relax at home. When I'm in town, in school, etc, it's no where near as bad, I can hold it, I can take control over it. It depends where I am and who I'm with.

    It's one of those things that I forget I have. I didn't know what it was when I was 11, so I wasn't bothered. Then I went to the doctors and I became very bothered and self conscious. I HATED the doctors, every single second of it. And I can admit that when I went, I didn't tell them everything then either. If I went now, I probably wouldn't either. I felt so uncomfortable there, almost unwelcome - I was welcome though. It felt like I was being attacked. Anyway, doctors ended, stuff resumed as normal. Over the years it got worse. Sometimes, it goes quiet for a while and it's so relieving, then it'll spike. In the last half year, it's probably been at its worst since I was early teens.

    My family are all perfect. They're supportive and my mom's done plenty of research. But I'm not willing to talk about it. This is mainly because I've accepted that I have it, that it'll be there forever and that it's part of me. And that's okay. This means I forget, in a way, that I have it. Until someone mentions it... When it spikes, like it is now, it can obviously get annoying for the people around me, my family. I can't blame them, I'd get annoyed too. But when they point it out, it hurts so so much. I get a short dull pain in my stomach, like painful butterflies when they do. It literally, physically hurts. I feel attacked. I hate it. Sometimes it makes me want to just breakdown. I can't help it. As I said, they're perfectly understanding, they're not to blame (though neither am I, and I know that), but it still hurts like hell. I thought that maybe one day I could sit down talk to someone else with it, but from going to meet ups with others I've found that scary, and I found that I started copying what they did, in their's was much worse than mine.

    The other day, I was at my best mates house. And I got a random text from my mom. She asked me about medication. Years ago, I made it very very clear that I did NOT want medication. I text her back saying that I wasn't keen on the idea and that I wasn't sure. She asked why and what I was worried about. Now, like I said earlier, I forget that I have it. If I took medication, it'd remind me every single day that I have it. Thinking about it now, I don't even know if I could pick up the tablets, put them in my mouth and swallow them. It sounds stupid, but I don't think I could. I follow a blind person on YouTube, and she says that if someone offered a cure, she'd say no. And that she stopped trying medication and searching for cures and things to make her blindness tolerable because everything disappointed her. She talks about the idea what if there's no cure, what's the point in living in disappointment. I know for some people, medication is life saving, something they need, something that really helps them, which is totally fine. But it isn't for me. I agree with her; I'd either want a cure or nothing. If I took medication, my brain would think 'oh nice, so it's a cure? so it's going to go away?' and then I'd be disappointed that it doesn't cure me. I just don't see the point in living in disappointment. I'd just be disappointed that it wouldn't be cured, or if I took something which didn't do much. If I was desperate, I'd tell her, I'd look up where to get medication from. But I'm not desperate.

    My mom asking me thing, for some reason, REALLY shook me. It really really upset me. I'm not sure why. It made me reconsider so much, and in the end I just broke down. She only wants the best for me, but also it's partly my fault because I don't talk to her about it. I just can't do it. Maybe it was because I have so much else on my mind at the moment, my part time job, my internal struggle with my sexuality, the relationship, worrying about university, my friends, the energy I spend daily to old it all in, you name it.

    In the end, whilst trying to watch a film with my friend, I stopped replying to her. I felt awful about it afterwards. She always asks if I'm okay if I don't reply, because she knows it upsets me, but this time for what ever reason I just felt so damn terrible. I still do. I'm just stuck. I don't know what to do. I feel a tension when I'm near my mom now. Am I annoyed? Angry? Upset at her? I shouldn't be.

    Update:: Me and my mom have a great relationship, so she isn't anything bad here. The other day, I told her about my worries about my relationship and I also told her some stuff about *this* issue coz I tell her nothing. Before that, she confronted me with a kind of medication. Not pills or anything, a spray that apparently helps to calm the nerves and brain a bit. I said no. I was worried I'd get really defensive; I almost told her to get lost because it made me feel so bad. But she said if I didn't, we'd have to go to the doctors again. No. No. No. No. So, I tried it. I felt shit. I felt attacked, I felt damn right awful. It made me feel sick. I don't know why. This makes her seem really bad, but she isn't. Like she said to me after, she only wants to help. But sometimes, like I've said to my friend, I feel parents don't always see eye to eye. It's become a bit of a thing now to test this stupid shitty spray out. I don't know if it works, but I feel so embarrassed and humiliated by it. Should I be? Am I being stupid? I've no clue. She just wants to help, but I don't see it that way. I don't want to explain this to her, I'm worried she'll just think I'm being silly...
    Ok, I dont have turrets (at least I dont think so), but I do have these weird quirks. I will just randomly jerk my head back two or three times in a row for no reason. That goes on for a while, then I'm fine for a couple of months till a new quirk kicks in. I dont really try to hide it, I just do it. I know this probably isn't the most helpful reply, nor the most relatable, but I just want you to know that I hear you and I have your back. You need to talk, just reply to this and I'll answer. I'm sorry I dont really know what to do, I just wanted to let you know your cry for help was not unheard. Also, I'm not comparing my little quirks to turrets, I'm just trying to relate as much as possible. We're here for you

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        Anthony IV Hey, thank you so much for reading it all, I know it's a lot, but thank you honestly. It is relatable; and anything helps to be fair, so thank you.
        You may do, but I think some people do just have funny quirks (I like how you put it, 'quirks'), and it's not really for me to say if or if you don't have something. Anyway, thank you so much for replying though

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