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  • I make more effort than my friends

    Hi, new poster here.

    I have a friend who I like and respect very much. We've known each other for nearly two years and she was one of the first new friends I made upon moving to a new country. When we do meet, we get along well and have shared significant personal details with each other.

    However, it is almost always me arranging to meet up. I would like for us to see each other maybe every couple of weeks, even if it's just for a coffee or so, but if I don't make it happen then we may go more than two months without meeting. In the interim, she might send a 'how are you' text, but I don't see that as real communication. Rather than spend time writing long messages, I'd like to meet in person and just talk.

    It's kind of stressful because it's just in that grey area between 'maybe she doesn't really like me' and 'what if I'm over-thinking it?' When we do meet up, I come away thinking that it's all in my head, but as the weeks pass by afterwards, I feel increasingly sad that I don't hear from her.

    I should say that this is a common theme in my friendships in general - I often feel left out, or that my friends don't really like me. For sure, there is a sensitivity there. But, also, objectively, I don't think it's all me, either. I only have one friend who I can trust to be consistent; someone who really does put in as much effort as I do.

    Overall, this friendship is causing me more sadness than happiness, as it hurts me to not understand why things are the way they are, and why I usually have to chase her if I want to see her anytime soon. I don't want to talk to her about it as that will make me feel very exposed - there was already one occasion where she said she was busy at home and then I found out on social media that she went out with someone else. I mentioned it, and I fear now that my mentioning it damaged the friendship. So I'm worried that if I bring this up it'll be cringe-worthy and make things worse.

    So I'm considering just going quiet until and unless she makes a move. Arrgh! In some ways, I'd prefer if the situation was more clear - if we'd had an obvious falling out or something.

  • #2
    Splendour Welcome! I can relate to this and tend to overthink and over analyse friendships, especially if they mean a lot to me. All friendships take a certain amount of work but it does need to mutual to survive and thrive. Also, it's really common too have different types of friends, like one that you do a particular hobby or interest with and others that you share everything. Try and take a little step back as there is a danger of trying to mould yourself into a friend that you think they want which is a huge amount of work. Allow yourself to take the time to wait for them to reach out to you as you deserve this and deserve to be valued as a friend. With the one you mentioned above, maybe you could compromise and have a mix of meting up and chatting via text? If it doesn't work out, then sometimes we have to accept that some friendships just aren't meant to be.
    I completely agree - it would be so much easier if everyone was really clear but she probably feels that she's communicating absolutely fine - and that's okay as it must feel natural for her.

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    • #3
      Splendour I feel like i am in a similar situation as you and i really like blondie's advice. I am normally the one to text first and reach out and i also feel anxious when i don't hear from them in a while but i remember that my friend goes to school and has a job so she might just be busy but like you said it would be so much easier if situations were more clear.

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