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  • I Wish I Know What Am I and What I Should Do

    I want to seek some advice, no matter scientific or personal experience. Sigh, it is quite a long story.

    I am a female weirdo study in university. I was bullied by my secondary school classmates(isolation and look pity on ppl who have to contact with me) for 6 years. I have huge dislike in social stereotyping, especial in gender aspect. Although I accept myself as female, I prefer be a male if I can choose my gender. I often see myself as male in dreams and my ideal self inside my heart is also a male(I don't tell my family clearly about this). In sexual aspect, male mostly attract my attention. But in emotional and romance aspect, I am very unsure. Basically I don't give care on ppl's gender or sexuality. Everyone is just, a human, the same thing.

    I have ever dated with a secondary school schoolmate(male) for a year. We only have hugs and holding hands, no kisses and other thing(kiss is a very awful thing for me). He is an ideal boyfriend in many ppl's standard, however he is not match with me. We ended up have trauma to each other(I am the one to start also the one who end) and i got early psychosis. This mental illness is now under control by medicine and things go better.

    When I am at the bottom and worst situation in the relationship, I met my web friend(male, 3 years young than me). We are both fans in webcomic and we have lots of fun in roleplaying. This provide me some relaxation and happiness in such stressful sadness. He is my one true friend of me outside university. After stay frequent contact for over a year, I found out I have crush on him. And I reveal my heart to him. We end up agreeing continue being friends as both of us not wanting to start romantic relationship, and we can start the romance with other ppl if we found someone that is better than each other. And time past very fast. I read some scientific researches said that the "crush" feeling can only last atmost 3 years. I always think we will get along well if we live together. But I don't understand whether it is just I feel lonely because of my 6 hell-like years, or I really want a love partner.

    I have two best friends(also university classmates) and I call them sf and sp(both are female). It is quite often that I have thoughts about holding hands with my closest female friend(either sf or sp) long before. I am very slow heat and holding hands already a great move for me(also enough to satisfy me). And days before, I went watch movie with them. I look at sp and I just have a thought hits me. "If I live with her, we may have a long term lovely time." I have a thought about chase her. My brain keep pop up a lot of "what if" and "pros and cons about her". I feel stress and frustration about this sexuality/romantic orientation bomb and whether I am betraying my web friend or not.

    I only mention my crush on sp (but never talk about crush on webfriend since my parents never trust internet relationship) to my parents. Their response is "we can't help you this time. you have to think it yourself." My parents is quite supportive to most of my things and they seems look okay to my unclear sexuality thing. But I just feel lots of stress and this sucks up my energy for days.

    Everything is mangled. I don't know how to face my new self-exploration(I know I have to accept it), how to face the society, how to classified my sexuality and romantic orientation, am I a bad/awful guy in relationship things, why I just somehow only destroy things. Stress, fear, confusion, hate to myself, nervous,etc... keep hitting me like tsunami waves.

    I apologize for my long passage and horrible grammar. I want to seek some advice and want to find someone to talk. Thank you for reading my issue.

  • #2
    Hello Lacerta

    Welcome to our community, we are really glad you found us. Did it feel good to write that down and get things off your chest? I hope so that it was a cathartic excercise for you.

    As you have said you are currently on a journey of exploration which is a positive thing, only you can take this journey and find the answers you are looking for but I will try and address some of the issues you have brought up and unpack them a little.

    It is okay that you are feeling towards maleness right now, you are right everyone is a human, that is interesting that you dream in male, what does this look like for you? And you may be pansexual if you feel that gender doesn't play a part in who you find attractive...

    I'm glad you have got your psychosis under control, do you still have a counsellor that you see regularly?

    I think you aren't betraying your web friend as both of you agreed that for now that what you have is a friendship so don't hold back on finding someone because of a friendship. Its great you have supportive parents but when it comes to love and dating sometimes its nicer to talk to friends right?

    Have you tried online fandom forums or internet dating at all, obviously be safe and make sure you never meet up with anyone not in a public space or in the day.

    Do you have any techniques for managing stress at the moment? I like to do yoga and meditation or go for a long walk to clear my head and that often helps. Have you tried either of these?

    Sending lots of light and positivity your way!



    • #3
      Um, yes. It does feel better. It is tired to hold up so many things in secret. Too much information and discovery everyday and many need time to dense.But I don't know if I can hold up that much.

      I not much like sleeping as I usually have nightmares, or I just lose sleep. Those dreams are horrible but always not enough to wake me up. Most of the time, I can't see myself appearance and ppl's faces in my dreams. I know who they are and able to hear their voices but I have no image on their faces. Those ppl in my dreams, including my family and other people that I recognize, treat me badly. For my appearance, sometimes it's just a human with sexy dressing, like super short jeans and showing tummy. It looks like a male version of playboy costume. I am just a "bottom?" in the wet dreams though I am a guy with too few covering.
      About the psychosis, I go visit the psychiatrist regularly. She never exactly tell me which sickness I got, and she focus a lot on my sleeping quality. I only know that I sometimes can't divide the imaginary and the reality clearly, with illusions in visual and hearing. But I think the larger factor is my ideal self's personality and behaviours majorly is not allowed by nowadays society's rules. I often feel missing to my illusions and try to rewind those memory. I have morality, Arka(my ideal self) is still only living in a imaginary world that I mirrored from reality. It is safe to everyone and myself.

      Friends... This is a complex knot in my mind. Unlike my university friends such as sf and sp, who have long term friends from fandoms and secondary school. I have almost no one. My ex boyfriend is my schoolmate from another class and we've known each other since 8. But well, I ruin the whole relationship, both romance and friendship. Since slightly before the romance started, I found out I have no gut to look at above his shoulder. I always avoid look at his face as I feel stressful. Now we never contact anymore. Once I saw him far away when waiting train and several times I sit on the next table of him in restaurants, I am in deep fear. I keep stay high alert when I go out, until My family move to another town. This is trauma I guess.

      I feel like I have a huge distance, or a invisible wall with anyone. I have no interest in pop stars or popular teen animes. I enjoy reading illustration handbooks and encyclopedias, from fossils to planets, from psychologist to biology. The big disadvantage is I have nearly zero common topic with my classmates when I was young, since primary school. My family support my interests a lot, and they fill up my big hole of friendship. My peers don't understand me while me neither. And I got isolated by my classmates for years. No one want to partner with me in group projects and teachers just think I am the problematic student who cause troubles or rebellious in doing homework.

      I was bullied in that stage, and I became a bully for a year. A new girl come, and my class dislike her. I make her always be worse than me and force the whole class to choose either me or her be work partner, when there's no other choices. She goes study oversea after a year. Til now, I still don't feel sorry for her. As I was a bully once, I understand that my classmates will never feel sorry about how they treat me. Even in the graduate dinner, my classmates just move chairs from my table to sit in other tables until the host not allowed. All my classmates looked pity at the one who have to sit with me. Being 18 and getting the graduation won't make people be smarter or maturer. I cannot for give them, but I keep trying to forget them. Those bad memories not worth occupying my brain. Til now, nothing can compare to that 6-year dark era. They give me lessons and I learn a lot.

      My real teenage time starts at university. I get good friends and strong bond studying partners. But I know, there's something that I miss in those years and it always has a big hole. I trust them a lot, but still in distance. I chat with them with many aspects, social or personal. I almost have no secrets in their eyes. But when it comes to some ambiguous issues like my mental illness and sexuality things, it seems that I don't have suitable friends to talk to about these.

      I have try an online penpal platform before, but it is quite a bad experience. I tagged myself have interest in "human and animal biology, including sexual behaviours". And I keep receiving ppl asking things such as "what's the colour of your n!pples" and "how you enjoy orga$m". On the other side, I've joined roleplay chat group before. However, the host is Mary Sue, and they spoil a member doing suicidal thing by kicking out others who give out analysis to try helping. I feel disappointed and keep silence after being warned. Being in Internet does not mean ppl can do anything with no responsibility and morality. My web friend is the only good person I gain from fandoms. I have thought of chat with him about this romantic orientation issue. But think about he is related to Christianity, I give up this idea.

      I feel lonely. I don't know if I exactly feel romantic love actually as no one can tell me how the love feels. "Crush and Love" I tasted gives me more tension than happiness. They somehow make me feel uncomfortable in biological(tired and lost sleep) and mental(worries and low working efficiency). I hope for a companion that can make me feel relax, comfortable and able to speak out the remaining a few horrible blockade zone things I have. But it seems impossible as human is inborn judgmental. And people will fear of those horrible facts of me. I am 85% sure. Reading books and doodling are now providing me spiritual food to make me feel calm and sink in daydream fantasy. It usually work, if not stuck in exciting part.

      Cheering myself a bit for giving myself some time to dense the emotion to sp, to figure out how I feel to her, while we have some nice voice chats. I think she doesn't smell a rat from me.