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Do I have a good reason to feel this way or am I being dramatic?

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    NOTE: Before I start with this, I’m not using any names for the sake of the people involved. I will be using fake names that sound nothing like their actual names. If you are bothered by that, then don’t read this and go on with your life. Ok here we go.
    I’m a sophomore in high school and I have a friend named Michelle who’s is a senior and will be graduating this year. Michelle and I, we aren’t like best friends, but I still consider her a good friend. She’s only a year and a couple of months older than me, so our age gap isn’t too far apart. Since she’s graduating this year, I’ve been wanting to hang out with her because I know she won’t talk to me after she graduates and I want to hang out with her before she’s gone. I wanted to hang out with her and her sister Jessica (who is my best friend) during thanksgiving break. We had talked about it and then at the last second my mom threw at me what our plans were for thanksgiving break and I basically had everyday booked, so we couldn’t hang out. I texted Michelle and apologized and explained and she said “It’s ok, we’ll figure it out, don’t worry” I felt really bad, but she insisted that I shouldn’t worry. I get on Snapchat and I do streaks with her, and all the streaks she sends me throughout thanksgiving break is her hanging out with her other friends and I was immediately sad. I was already upset that I couldn’t really hang out with her and then she shoves photos and videos of her hanging out with her other friends in my face and I feel incredibly left out. The fact that she knew I couldn’t hang out with her and yet she still has the guts to do that really upset me. Everytime I tell her we need to hang out, she says YASS, but never makes the plans to hang out with me. Maybe she expects me to do it idk, but to me it comes off that she doesn’t care or she doesn’t want to hang out with me. It also makes me mad whenever she can make plans to hang out with her so called “best friends” but yet whenever I genuinely want to hang out with her, she doesn’t care. She has best friends that she has only known for a year or two and I’ve known her for three to four years and she never hung out with me. The first time we hung out outside of band related things and school was at me and my sister’s sweet 16 that was a few months ago and I invited her because I genuinely wanted to hang out with her and because I didn’t want to invite her sister Jessica and not bother inviting Michelle and make her feel left out. Another thing she does that’s incredibly annoying is she makes plans to hang out with her friends and she does it front of people that she’s not even inviting. She doesn’t even bother asking if I or other people want to come along. My best friend Jessica understands that I don’t like that and she respects it enough to not talk about it in front of me.
    Another boring fact you probably don’t care about is that I’m in band and Michelle is our section leader. She has these fun ideas for our section to hang out, but whenever she does, she invites her best friends to it also. We had a clarinet karaoke party where all of the clarinets were invited. I get there and the first thing I notice is that Michelle and her best friends are there(none of them play clarinet btw) . I go and sit down and Michelle doesn’t even acknowledge me. She ignores me and goes on to talk to her best friends. She only came and talked to me and asked if I had a ride and I said yes, then she ditched me and some of the freshman clarinets to go to the park with her friends. Another instance was when we had a “clarinet” Christmas party. I put air quotes on clarinet because yeah sure it was a “clarinet” Christmas party, but it was more of like a “Michelle’s best friends and clarinet Christmas party”. Michelle made it seem like there were to be only clarinets at the party. I knew from the karaoke incident that she was going to invite other people than clarinets. Sure enough I was right. There was actually one person at that party that wasn’t even in band and the only reason she was invited was because she was one of Michelle’s friends and she happened to be one of her guy friend’s girlfriend. Of course, Michelle doesn’t even acknowledge me there and she also doesn’t talk to some of the clarinets either, so it was incredibly awkward(it was already awkward to begin with because not a lot of the clarinets knew her best friends that well, or should I say none of them). She made me and all the clarinets feel left out, but she didn’t care, even some of the freshman I talked to weren’t very pleased about it. It was in that moment I knew she didn’t want to hang out with her section because why else would she invite her friends to the Christmas party? She just invites them so she has someone to talk to. I understand it was her party and she can invite who she wants, but don’t call it a clarinet Christmas party if you’re gonna invite your best friends to it too. I would have been fine had she called it a Christmas party and invited her friends to it, but no, she had to do that. It was also that day that I told Jessica I felt like Michelle didn’t like me very much. Jessica then proceeds to ask “Why do you think she hates you?” I didn’t want to talk crap about my best friend’s sister in front of her, so I dropped it and never spoke about it since.
    One thing about me that I ask from my friends is to say hi to me and to make me feel like I’m loved. That’s all you have to do. There are some days where Michelle will say hi to me and others she ignores me and I’m pretty much the dust she walks on and I beat myself up for it because I ask myself “What did I do wrong? What did I do to upset her?”. I’m one of those people where I hate disappointing others and whenever I do I feel like crap. I may be paranoid when I say this, but I feel like she’s trying to steal another one of my best friends(Katie) away from me. Katie is my best friend, and I feel as if she’s taking her away from me on purpose because she’s always talking to her and I’ve never seen her ignore Katie.
    The sad thing about all this is I look up to Michelle because I usually look up to my older brother, but since he’s at work all the time and I’m always at school, I look up to her for guidance and for a friend. Now she just hangs out with the wrong people and she doesn’t set a good example when it comes to the clarinets hanging out with each other.

    Basically one thing you can learn about Michelle, you’re better off being her best friend than just being a friend. I would say more, but it would be a lot longer than this is and it would just get incredibly boring. So what do you guys think? Am I being dramatic or do I sound reasonable? Also, what should I do about the situation? I wanna be friends with Michelle, but I know we aren’t going to be friends after high school because of how she treats me now. What’s really sad is she used to be really sweet, now idk what happened to her and I feel like I don’t know my friend anymore. Any advice?
    Hey PuppyMonkeyBaby

    Welcome to Community. Thanks for a really detailed account of what you are going through. You aren't dramatic and your feelings are completely valid. But I can tell that this is really bothering you by the way that you write so let's try to unpack this a bit further and work on, together, some reasons for why you are feeling this way and some practical next steps you can take to help you feel better about this situation.

    Also never worry, we love changing names here at Ditch the Label - if you need it to be this can be an anonymous space - it doesn't make any difference to us being able to help you.

    Friendships can be a really hard space to navigate - especially when you feel as though you are putting so much more into the relationship than the other person. What I would like you to think about is...what are your motivations for wanting to be friends with Michelle? What does she offer that your other friendships such as Katie and Jessica don't? Some of the things that you've said about the way Michelle makes you feel is that she doesn't acknowledge you and that she ignores you. Because of this, it makes me think that she is not the best friend for you to pursue. Our friends are meant to give us time and show us love. I know sometimes when people don't give us much attention, it drives us mad and makes us want to please them even more but this kind of friendship will always feel uneven and you may always feel undervalued.

    I obviously don't know Michelle, but from some of the things you have said i'm sure she doesn't hate you. She may just very busy and has a lot of different friendships to juggle , this also may be because you and her sister have such a close bond. If she is leaving at the end of the year and you don't think she will be able to keep in touch with you after school then is it worth putting in so much effort and energy when she will not be there for that long and she doesn't seem to want to reciprocate the level of frienship you need from her right now?

    None of this is your fault - we as humans often go into self-loathing when people don't like us, or don't want to be our best friends obviously - we all think like this and you are not alone. But truthfully, it has nothing to do with you, or who you are - we are all mostly focused on ourselves and not about other people although it can feel really personal, I am so sure it isn't anything personal about you. We can't like everyone and everyone can't like us. I'm sure to your other friends you are wonderful and they see how special you are. I think Michelle may just not have the time to prioritise you right now and it sounds like she spends time with a lot of people.

    I totally understand why you feel left out in this friendship and it must be really tough also being best friends with Jessica. Is there a way you can talk to Jessica about how you feel without bad talking her sister? Jessica probably has a really good insight into the situation.

    I understand that you look up to Michelle but she is probably also freaking out about leaving school and leaving her friends so that may be why you have noticed a change in her.

    What do you think? I hope some of this helped and we are here for you whenenever you need to share.

    -Remi
    Last edited by Remi; 02-11-2019, 03:10 PM.

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        Remi
        Thank you so much for replying!

        To answer your question, the motivation to being Michelle’s friend is that she’s my best friend’s sister and I want to have a good relationship with her as I do with Jessica. Granted I have known Jessica a lot longer than I’ve known Michelle and I know Jessica a lot better than I do Michelle, I still value being her friend. My parents taught me when I was little the golden rule, which is to treat others the way you want to be treated. I treat Michelle how I would want to be treated, which is acknowledging my existence and being a friend to me, even though she doesn’t always show the same back to me. I am a Christian and I am called to be kind to others and be loving to others whether they show it to you in return or not. It ties in with the golden rule and I live by both of those things today.
        The answer to the other question on what she brings to the table that Jessica and Katie don’t is that she comforts you when you’re upset or if something’s bothering you. There have been a few times where I’ve been mad or upset and all she’ll do is come up and hug me and I’ll already feel a lot better just by her silent act of kindness. My best friends are sympathetic too, and they’re there for me and it makes me feel better when their presence is present, it’s just there’s sometimes where all I want is someone to come hug me when something is bothering me and if it’s that serious then to let me cry on their shoulder. I also don’t particularly see my best friends do that because I don’t share with them my personal struggles that I am going through right now/ past struggles because of the fear of being judged, even though they’re my best friends and I should not have that anxiety always build up in me because I know they’ll listen and they’ll be there for me. I will one day tell Katie and Jessica about my personal struggles I went through/am going through, but Katie is going through some personal family struggles right now(will not share for the sake of her and her family) and just throwing my struggles/ past struggles at her when they are nowhere near as bad as her situation doesn’t seem like a good idea in my personal opinion.
        I think that you saying that I should try to talk about it more with Jessica is a good idea, but for me and how I am as a person, I don’t know if I would feel comfortable talking about this with Jessica. One thing about me that my friends and family know is that I’m a very honest person, super honest that it gets me in trouble sometimes and people hate me for it. When I rant about something or someone, I go all out. I say what I’m truly feeling and I don’t hold back, whether it offends who I’m saying it to or not. I also don’t think Jessica would appreciate me saying crap about her sister. I know if anyone tried talking smack about my sister, I would be very upset about it. Unless if my sister did or said something that bothered them and they told me, I would go talk to my sister privately and tell her “hey, so and so didn’t like it when you did this or said this. You should apologize to them and not do it again.” I put myself in Jessica’s shoes and just imagine the roles being flipped and if I would like it if Jessica said smack about my sister, which I wouldn’t. So to respect that and not put our friendship on the line, I’m better off not saying anything to her about it.
        I also agree with what you said as well. I feel as if you dug deeper than I did, and yes I sometimes do think that the reason me and Michelle aren’t as close is that I’m Jessica’s best friend and that she doesn’t want to get in the way of her sister’s friendship with her friends. I also never really thought about that the reason Michelle is acting like this is because she’s going to leave her friends after she graduates and she’s freaking out about it. I try to give Michelle some grace too because she had to watch one of her grandparents die in her own home and she witnessed death at a young age. She also has kind of the same thing going on with one of her best friends because she feels as if they aren’t going to be friends with each other after they both graduate and so she’s spending a lot more time with her because of that, which me personally I feel she shouldn’t bother, like I probably shouldn’t bother with her.
        Again, thank you for the advice and for replying back. I hope you have a blessed day and thank you very much!
        Last edited by PuppyMonkeyBaby; 02-12-2019, 01:55 AM.

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            Hey Puppy Monkey Baby,

            Yes sometimes it just feels great to get everything down on the page and release some feelings. I can see since your first message you feel a lot warmer towards Michelle and can empathise with what she is going through right now with so many new changes.

            You sound like a good friend, I would suggest you carry on what you are doing as there are a lot of people out there that value you!

            Keep checking back in with us on how things go with Michelle,

            Remi

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            • PuppyMonkeyBaby
              Editing a comment
              @Remi
              Hello again!
              I’m sorry I haven’t really replied to this forum. I wanted to wait till the school year ended for me so that way I could judge what happened and see it as a whole. So far, I haven’t really seen Michelle much, and I texted her the other day asking how she was doing and she said good, but that’s all we really texted each other. I was hoping for a “I’m good hbu” type thing, but she just said she was good and didn’t bother asking me the same thing. I’m thinking about just cutting off everything and just not really be friends with Michelle anymore. Honestly, she hasn’t done anything but make me feel like crap and every time I wanna talk to her, she either takes too long to respond or when she does, I can see in her replies that she doesn’t care cause all she’ll say is “Oof”or “Lol” and it’s honestly so annoying.
              I know this is mainly about Michelle, but now I have another friendship problem/conflict. Sadly, it’s with my best friend Jessica. I’ve been feeling left out by her lately as well. Idk, I just feel like our bond isn’t as close as it used to be. She was friends with one of her freshman(now sophomore) friends, and her name is Gia. Jessica and Gia haven’t known each other as long as Jessica and I have. Jessica has only known her for two years, I’ve known Jessica for over five years. Anyways, ever since the second semester started, I noticed them both hanging around each other a lot more and Jessica doesn’t talk to me as much.They basically became best friends overnight. On our band trip to San Antonio a few months ago, I had sat with Jessica on the bus on the way there. She kept saying “Oh we have to sit near Gia.” I didn’t really know why it was so important to her to sit near her, but I went with it. I was sitting there bored and Jessica wasn’t really talking to me, so I felt kinda lonely. She instead started talking to Gia who was sitting behind us. I was sitting there awkwardly staring out the window. About 10-15 minuets later Gia and Jessica finally include me in their conversation and say “Hey Kelsea come talk to us” I was incredibly pissed off, so I looked away and I ignored them. Gia then said “what’s wrong with her” and Jessica said “Idk” Jessica then basically tried getting me to tell her what was wrong. Me being my stubborn self I kept ignoring her and she finally gave up and didn’t say a word to me for a while. When we got to the resort and checked into our rooms, I apologized to Jessica and told her sorry for ignoring her. She said “it’s ok Kelsea, why did you ignore me though?” I told her that her and Gia were making me feel really left out and I just wanted to talk to her. Jessica then said “oh I wanted to talk to you too, but you didn’t say anything and so I started talking to Gia instead.” She then apologized and said “I’m sorry I made you feel left out I won’t let it happen again.”
              She stayed true to her word for the most part, somewhat. During the trip when I would be with my group of friends, her and Gia would wonder off and go hang out by themselves and I got really annoyed by that. I kept thinking to myself, “My parents didn’t spend over $800 for me and my sister to go on this trip just for me to not have fun and to be incredibly upset over something my friend is doing.”
              After that, Jessica made sure to not make me feel left out, but she would still ditch her friends and hang out with Gia. I had talked to this with another one of my best friends Sarah and she agreed with me and she understood how I was feeling.
              Another thing that may be important is that Gia has a best friend named Kara and ever since Gia has been hanging out with my best friend Jessica, she stopped talking to Kara and so Kara and I became friends since we were both upset at the fact that both of our best friends were being stolen from us by the other person.
              They also post videos and pictures on each other’s snapchats and it bothers me to see them hanging out with each other. Maybe I’m just a really jealous friend idk, but it’s just I feel like Gia is stealing my best friend away from me. I won’t let some person ruin me and my best friend’s relationship. It makes me incredibly sad and the fact that Jessica is doing the exact thing I severely disliked about her sister just upsets me even more. I just keep thinking about the song from Toy Story “Strange things are Happening to Me” and I relate to that song too much. It seems like Jessica replaced her friends with someone she hasn’t known that long and it just really upsets me. She talks about me and her being best friends forever and how if she moves out of state I should go visit her and all that, but I just keep thinking “keep doing what you’re doing and there won’t be a me visiting you in another state”
              Thank you for listening to me even though I’m probably really annoying and my situation is really dumb. It’s just high school is opening a lot of doors I don’t want opened and it’s upsetting honestly.
              Last edited by PuppyMonkeyBaby; 06-01-2019, 05:22 AM.
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            • PuppyMonkeyBaby
              Editing a comment
              @Remi
              Hello again!
              I’m sorry I haven’t really replied to this forum. I wanted to wait till the school year ended for me so that way I could judge what happened and see it as a whole. So far, I haven’t really seen Michelle much, and I texted her the other day asking how she was doing and she said good, but that’s all we really texted each other. I was hoping for a “I’m good hbu” type thing, but she just said she was good and didn’t bother asking me the same thing. I’m thinking about just cutting off everything and just not really be friends with Michelle anymore. Honestly, she hasn’t done anything but make me feel like crap and every time I wanna talk to her, she either takes too long to respond or when she does, I can see in her replies that she doesn’t care cause all she’ll say is “Oof”or “Lol” and it’s honestly so annoying.
              I know this is mainly about Michelle, but now I have another friendship problem/conflict. Sadly, it’s with my best friend Jessica. I’ve been feeling left out by her lately as well. Idk, I just feel like our bond isn’t as close as it used to be. She was friends with one of her freshman(now sophomore) friends, and her name is Gia. Jessica and Gia haven’t known each other as long as Jessica and I have. Jessica has only known her for two years, I’ve known Jessica for over five years. Anyways, ever since the second semester started, I noticed them both hanging around each other a lot more and Jessica doesn’t talk to me as much.They basically became best friends overnight. On our band trip to San Antonio a few months ago, I had sat with Jessica on the bus on the way there. She kept saying “Oh we have to sit near Gia.” I didn’t really know why it was so important to her to sit near her, but I went with it. I was sitting there bored and Jessica wasn’t really talking to me, so I felt kinda lonely. She instead started talking to Gia who was sitting behind us. I was sitting there awkwardly staring out the window. About 10-15 minuets later Gia and Jessica finally include me in their conversation and say “Hey Kelsea come talk to us” I was incredibly pissed off, so I looked away and I ignored them. Gia then said “what’s wrong with her” and Jessica said “Idk” Jessica then basically tried getting me to tell her what was wrong. Me being my stubborn self I kept ignoring her and she finally gave up and didn’t say a word to me for a while. When we got to the resort and checked into our rooms, I apologized to Jessica and told her sorry for ignoring her. She said “it’s ok Kelsea, why did you ignore me though?” I told her that her and Gia were making me feel really left out and I just wanted to talk to her. Jessica then said “oh I wanted to talk to you too, but you didn’t say anything and so I started talking to Gia instead.” She then apologized and said “I’m sorry I made you feel left out I won’t let it happen again.”
              She stayed true to her word for the most part, somewhat. During the trip when I would be with my group of friends, her and Gia would wonder off and go hang out by themselves and I got really annoyed by that. I kept thinking to myself, “My parents didn’t spend over $800 for me and my sister to go on this trip just for me to not have fun and to be incredibly upset over something my friend is doing.”
              After that, Jessica made sure to not make me feel left out, but she would still ditch her friends and hang out with Gia. I had talked to this with another one of my best friends Sarah and she agreed with me and she understood how I was feeling.
              Another thing that may be important is that Gia has a best friend named Kara and ever since Gia has been hanging out with my best friend Jessica, she stopped talking to Kara and so Kara and I became friends since we were both upset at the fact that both of our best friends were being stolen from us by the other person.
              They also post videos and pictures on each other’s snapchats and it bothers me to see them hanging out with each other. Maybe I’m just a really jealous friend idk, but it’s just I feel like Gia is stealing my best friend away from me. I won’t let some person ruin me and my best friend’s relationship. It makes me incredibly sad and the fact that Jessica is doing the exact thing I severely disliked about her sister just upsets me even more. I just keep thinking about the song from Toy Story “Strange things are Happening to Me” and I relate to that song too much. It seems like Jessica replaced her friends with someone she hasn’t known that long and it just really upsets me. She talks about me and her being best friends forever and how if she moves out of state I should go visit her and all that, but I just keep thinking “keep doing what you’re doing and there won’t be a me visiting you in another state”
              Thank you for listening to me even though I’m probably really annoying and my situation is really dumb. It’s just high school is opening a lot of doors I don’t want opened and it’s upsetting honestly.
              Last edited by PuppyMonkeyBaby; 06-01-2019, 05:22 AM.
            Remi
            Hello again!
            I’m sorry I haven’t really replied to this forum. I wanted to wait till the school year ended for me so that way I could judge what happened and see it as a whole. So far, I haven’t really seen Michelle much, and I texted her the other day asking how she was doing and she said good, but that’s all we really texted each other. I was hoping for a “I’m good hbu” type thing, but she just said she was good and didn’t bother asking me the same thing. I’m thinking about just cutting off everything and just not really be friends with Michelle anymore. Honestly, she hasn’t done anything but make me feel like crap and every time I wanna talk to her, she either takes too long to respond or when she does, I can see in her replies that she doesn’t care cause all she’ll say is “Oof”or “Lol” and it’s honestly so annoying.
            I know this is mainly about Michelle, but now I have another friendship problem/conflict. Sadly, it’s with my best friend Jessica. I’ve been feeling left out by her lately as well. Idk, I just feel like our bond isn’t as close as it used to be. She was friends with one of her freshman(now sophomore) friends, and her name is Gia. Jessica and Gia haven’t known each other as long as Jessica and I have. Jessica has only known her for two years, I’ve known Jessica for over five years. Anyways, ever since the second semester started, I noticed them both hanging around each other a lot more and Jessica doesn’t talk to me as much.They basically became best friends overnight. On our band trip to San Antonio a few months ago, I had sat with Jessica on the bus on the way there. She kept saying “Oh we have to sit near Gia.” I didn’t really know why it was so important to her to sit near her, but I went with it. I was sitting there bored and Jessica wasn’t really talking to me, so I felt kinda lonely. She instead started talking to Gia who was sitting behind us. I was sitting there awkwardly staring out the window. About 10-15 minuets later Gia and Jessica finally include me in their conversation and say “Hey Kelsea come talk to us” I was incredibly pissed off, so I looked away and I ignored them. Gia then said “what’s wrong with her” and Jessica said “Idk” Jessica then basically tried getting me to tell her what was wrong. Me being my stubborn self I kept ignoring her and she finally gave up and didn’t say a word to me for a while. When we got to the resort and checked into our rooms, I apologized to Jessica and told her sorry for ignoring her. She said “it’s ok Kelsea, why did you ignore me though?” I told her that her and Gia were making me feel really left out and I just wanted to talk to her. Jessica then said “oh I wanted to talk to you too, but you didn’t say anything and so I started talking to Gia instead.” She then apologized and said “I’m sorry I made you feel left out I won’t let it happen again.”
            She stayed true to her word for the most part, somewhat. During the trip when I would be with my group of friends, her and Gia would wonder off and go hang out by themselves and I got really annoyed by that. I kept thinking to myself, “My parents didn’t spend over $800 for me and my sister to go on this trip just for me to not have fun and to be incredibly upset over something my friend is doing.”
            After that, Jessica made sure to not make me feel left out, but she would still ditch her friends and hang out with Gia. I had talked to this with another one of my best friends Sarah and she agreed with me and she understood how I was feeling.
            Another thing that may be important is that Gia has a best friend named Kara and ever since Gia has been hanging out with my best friend Jessica, she stopped talking to Kara and so Kara and I became friends since we were both upset at the fact that both of our best friends were being stolen from us by the other person.
            They also post videos and pictures on each other’s snapchats and it bothers me to see them hanging out with each other. Maybe I’m just a really jealous friend idk, but it’s just I feel like Gia is stealing my best friend away from me. I won’t let some person ruin me and my best friend’s relationship. It makes me incredibly sad and the fact that Jessica is doing the exact thing I severely disliked about her sister just upsets me even more. I just keep thinking about the song from Toy Story “Strange things are Happening to Me” and I relate to that song too much. It seems like Jessica replaced her friends with someone she hasn’t known that long and it just really upsets me. She talks about me and her being best friends forever and how if she moves out of state I should go visit her and all that, but I just keep thinking “keep doing what you’re doing and there won’t be a me visiting you in another state”
            Thank you for listening to me even though I’m probably really annoying and my situation is really dumb. It’s just high school is opening a lot of doors I don’t want opened and it’s upsetting honestly.

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