10 Things You Should Never Say On A First Date

There is plenty of advice on what you should say on a first date… but how about the things you should never say when you first meet?

1. I love you.
It’s a nice sentiment but it’s too soon babe. Too soon. You are in lust. Let me know if you still love ’em once the pheromones have worn off and you’ve seen them burp, fart and pick wax out of their ears.

2. Tell me about your ex.
Clearly an indication that you are prone to jealousy. You might as well go dressed as a big, old, green-eyed monster – it’s more subtle.

3. My ex always used to say that.
I mean who doesn’t love being compared to an ex? Or constantly reminded of an ex? Is there a bigger turn on? Yes, actually there is: being pelted with tomatoes, whilst listening to someone scratch their nails down a chalkboard.

4. You don’t look like your photo.
Honestly, who does these days? I’m surprised anybody actually recognises their own filter-free refection in the mirror anymore, let alone someone else’s.

5. Call them by the wrong name
You will BOTH be praying for the ground to swallow you up whole. Just, so utterly, unbearably, AWKWARD!

6. You’re paying for this right?
Good manners cost nothing. Plus, you’ll miss out on the cute ‘No, I’ll get this’ post-dinner debate that makes every waiter/waitress die a little on the inside.

7. My family are CRAZY!
If your main goal is to scare your date off, then congratulations – you may have just scored!

8. I’ve got another date after this one…
Honesty isn’t always the best policy. There might be plenty of fish in the sea and you might have the net, but no one wants to feel like small fry.

9. What do you think of me?
PSA: You don’t need anyone else’s approval.

10. I suddenly remembered…I have to go.
Surely you can come up with a kinder, more imaginative alternative? Like getting your friend to call you with a fake emergency or…climbing out of the restaurant’s bathroom window?

There you have it, a list of the best things to say on a first date… NOT. 🤦

Top 10 Things Not to Say To a Blind Person by comedian Brian Fischler

10. Really? You can work a computer?
Yes, it is not 1950 out there. Assistive technology has gone mainstream. I can even work an iPhone too!

9. When I am with someone people will ask that person questions about me when I am right there.
That’s right blind people can speak for themselves. Believe it or not we can even order food for ourselves when in a restaurant!

8. How do you live?
In an apartment by myself. That’s right, jealous much? I get to do what I want whenever I want, and I don’t ever have to turn any lights on to do it.

7. People who start talking louder when around me.
Really, you do realise I am blind not deaf? Seriously you went to college and could not figure that out?

6. People who grab you and say “Let me help.”
Whoa easy there tough guy. What do you think is going to happen if you walk up on the street and grab a sighted person you do not know? You are probably going to get punched. The same thing will happen if you grab a blind guy without asking first. Believe it or not, blind people do not like to be grabbed by strangers on the street. Always ask first before touching…

5. Guess who it is?
For some reason it is always someone I have met once or twice who says this. Yes, blind people do not have everyone they have ever met voice committed to memory. Sorry to disappoint. Even if we do know you, do not come up as if it is a game to guess who you are, it is not a game to us.

4. For those of us who walk with a white cane and have it folded up “Nice pool cue.”
Leave the comedy to us professionals. Would you say to someone in a wheelchair nice Go-Kart? I do not think so.

3. This conversation:
“Are you training that dog?”
“No I am blind.”
“Really? You don’t look blind.”
Seriously what does a blind person look like? Believe it or not blind people come in all races, religions, height, weight, sex, and nationalities…

2. You’re my hero!
Really, you barely know me. My typical response cannot be published here but put it this way, blind people can be sociopaths too.

1. On Halloween: “What a brilliant costume – a blind guy.”
No, this is my everyday look and why I never leave the apartment on Halloween anymore…

Comedian Maz Jobrani on the 10 things you should know about Muslims

1. We’re not all really that religious.
I mean, I was born in Iran which is a Muslim country but I don’t practice the religion. You could say I’m Muslim-ish. I drink, I don’t fast during Ramadan and I don’t pray 5 times a day. The only time I pray is if I’m almost in an accident and then I yell something like, “OH JESUS CHRIST!” Which as you can see isn’t very Muslim at all!

2. We’re not all terrorists.
If you watched enough film, tv and news, you would think every Muslim or middle easterner you knew belongs to a sleeper cell. I have never met a terrorist in my life. Not even accidentally. Never been home one night and gotten a call, “Hello! Hassan! It goes down tomorrow at midnight.” “Who is this?” “Oops. Sorry. Wrong number!”

3. We’re not trying to bring sharia law to the U.S.!
Some people fear Muslims because they think Muslims want to bring their laws to the U.S. I have no intention of doing that. I swear I prefer laws that let women hang out in their bikinis on beaches rather than having to cover up in burqas. I also prefer laws that let me have a nice bottle of Cabernet at the end of the night rather than having to sip tea all day. And even if Muslims actually DID want to bring sharia law to the U.S. the fact that there are so few Muslims in America would make it impossible.

4. We love Star Wars just like everyone else.
(That one’s self explanatory.)

5. We probably, as a group, prefer soccer to American football.
That’s mostly because we don’t have time to sit through all those commercial breaks. I never can understand why a one hour game takes three hours to play.

6. We actually respect many other religions.
Though some Muslim countries persecute people from other religions (like Iran with the Baha’is), most of the Muslims I know are accepting of other religions. As a matter of fact Jesus and Moses are both accepted as prophets in Islam.

7. Our women can be pretty bad ass!
Anyone who saw the Green Movement in 2009 when there were protests against the election results in Iran saw a population of both men and women protesting for their votes to be counted in Iran. Many of the people leading those protests were women who took to the streets to demand their rights. If you’ve forgotten about it find some footage on YouTube and you will see. The regime ultimately squashed the protests but it was inspirational to see a population demand their rights in the way Iranians did at that time.

8. Many Muslims come from countries where the west has had a hand in messing up their past.
Whether it’s the U.S. leading a coup of a democratically elected leader in Iran in 1953 or England colonising India for many years, you can trace a lot of the problems in these countries back to actions by the west many years ago. So in a way, we have helped create the quagmire we find ourselves in today. This includes Bush Two’s decision to go into Iraq after 9/11.

9. We love kebabs and hummus.
(I mean, who doesn’t?)

10. We really don’t want to harm you.
I swear to God (whichever God you believe in) we just want to go to work, provide for our families and if we’re lucky, maybe have enough energy to make love to our wives at the end of the day. Oh, and also eat ice cream!

25 things only early noughties kids will understand

1. Searching for the perfect Myspace profile song that best conveyed your deeply complex soul.

myspace-add-to-profile

2. Keeping that swooping side-fringe in place #thestrugglewasreal

3. When you were feeling artistic:

wordartdb

4. Getting out of your super-tight black skinnies like:

5. Post-selfie arm ache.

myspace_angle

6. Your totally impractical school bag: 

s-l225

 

7. Evenings spent flirting on MSN. Will they guess my not-so-cryptic screen name is directed at them? Will they notice me if I log off and then back on? Screw it. I’m gonna nudge them. 

tumblr_mzz9vtw26c1ql6zyao1_400

8. Knowing you will never achieve the Delevingne brow because this was the fashion when you were growing up and you plucked out most of your eyebrow hair #sobsintopillow   

2c1515aa00000578-3226621-image-a-2_1441955101675

 

9. LimeWire basically killing your computer. 

10. California dreaming: ‘No, but like, I am definitely moving there when I grow up’. 

11. When bearing your soul to your crush involved Sharpies and a CD: 

320

12. The heart-stopping, pupil-dilating moment when you logged in to see this:

grid-cell-10138-1427295256-5

13. Spending more time with your virtual family than your real-life family.

14. Referencing Shaggy every time someone accused you of something.

15. Feeling so loyal to Myspace you convinced yourself Facebook would never take off.

16. Crop tops and belly button piercings because, Britney. 

17. Memorising the cheer routines from Bring It On.

18. You remember when Justin had his vengeance.

19. You still miss Woolworths.💔

84184958

 

20. Painful hair goals: 

21. This is the Vause you remember:

22. Waiting for that letter to come and then cursing your simple muggle self when it didn’t arrive. 

23. The satisfaction of opening and closing your flip-phone

24. Your sweet ride: 

25. Thinking this was the most romantic thing you had ever seen. 

Categories
LOL

Disney vs Reality in GIFS

Disney vs Reality in GIFS

Patience

Disney:

Reality: 

Women’s Priorities

Disney: 

Reality:

Finding Your One True Love

Disney: 

Reality: 

Pets

Disney:

Reality:

Looking In The Mirror

Disney: 

Reality: 

Relationships

Disney: 

Reality: 

Weddings

Disney:

Reality: 

Godmothers

Disney: 

Reality: 

Best Friends

Disney: 

Reality: 

10 Things parents say to teens vs what they are really thinking

1. What they say: Are you going out like that? 
What they are really thinking:
Your outfit is too skimpy for my liking/alternative for my liking/dirty and creased for my liking – or, all of the aforementioned.

2. What they say: Aren’t you cold darling?
What they are really thinking: For the love of God, put a jumper over that crop top.

3. What they say: I would never have been allowed to do such a thing at your age.
What they are really thinking: I did it. Not once, but twice. Gramps just never found out.

4.What they say: It’s so nice to spend some quality time with you.
What they are really thinking: Can you please stop staring at your phone.

5. What they say: Wow (as you present yourself in prom outfit) you look so grown up! 
What they are really thinking: If I could rewind to when you were a babe in arms, I would. Like, without a second thought. In fact as soon as you leave I’m getting the baby pictures out. *Begins to sob uncontrollably*

6. What they say: We’re out of milk…
What they are really thinking: I need some alone time.

7. What they say: Do you know who did this? 
What they are really thinking: I know it was you that broke the vase/googled something wholly inappropriate.

8. What they say: It’s so beautiful outside! *Opens your bedroom curtains*
What they are really thinking: I’m about to cancel your Netflix subscription.

9. What they say: They seem nice…
What they are really thinking: Your friend has an attitude problem.

10. What they say: I’m a cool mum/dad aren’t I?
What they are really thinking: I can’t be that out of touch right? I mean, I have a Facebook page? *Shakes with insecurity*

love, couple, bff

10 things that happen when your BFF finds a significant other

Prepare to feel awkward like, 99% of the time.

1. You pretend to stare intently at nothing to avoid creepin’ on their PDA. 

2. The film you’d usually go and see with your BFF – well, they’ve already seen it with their significant other. Netflix it is. 

3.  This becomes a regular conversation:

BFF: Don’t worry – you’ll meet someone soon too.
You: I’m actually pretty happy being single.
BFF: *Pitiful smile* Of course you are!

4. When your BFF actually manages to take some time out of their schedule to spend time with you, you want to introduce a ‘no phone’ policy:

5. But then, even when they aren’t messaging or ringing their significant other, they’re talking about them. Incessantly. All the time. Forever. 

6. When they fight, your BFF comes crying to you. To show your loyalty you call their significant other every name under the sun (even though you don’t really mean it – well most of it) and then the next day they are back together like nothing ever happened and you’re just there feelin’ like a total backstabbing biatch. 

7. When they argue in front of you though…*finds self staring intently at nothing again*

8. The feels when they start hanging out with other couples:  

giphy-14

9. The moment you realise they tell their significant other everything – and I mean everything. Your secrets are no longer safe but it’s okay right? Because your BFF reassures you they are like, so totally trustworthy. 

10. The inevitable post-honeymoon-period realisation that your BFF misses you and that you need to hang out more, without significant other in tow. 

Comedian Josh Blue on the 10 things you should never say to a disabled person

1. What happened to you?
The response to this should be an obvious one: What if someone asked what happened to your…FACE… See? It doesn’t feel good.

2. Are you drunk?
Nope! And even if I was, I’d still be walkin’ like this.

3. Let me do that for you!
Chances are, they’ve already made it this far without your help, they probably don’t need it. If someone does need your help, they’ll ask for it.

4. Is that contagious?
Only if you want it to be, baby?

5. Can I have some of your medication?
Not for free!

6. How do you get rid of that?
Counter question: How do I get rid of you?

7. You can’t do that
Just watch me!

8. How much government’s assistance do you get?
We’re very capable of having jobs and we enjoy working! (Most days)

9. Have you ever had sex?
That’s DEFINITELY none of your business. We’re just like anyone else – we like to keep our private lives, PRIVATE. If you are curious about sex with disabilities, I’m sure there’s a whole dark place of the Internet available for research.

10. Do you ride the short bus?
No…that’s my Uber over there.

Comedian Joleen Lunzer lists 10 Myths About People With Bipolar Disorder

1. We’re scary

When I tell someone I have Bipolar II Disorder, they always look at me with fear in their eyes and ask, “Are you going to be okay?” However, what they’re really asking, is if they are going to be okay. The answer: No. Since bipolar is a brain disorder, the only treatment is to eat your brains! Okay, that’s not true. But if I ever become a zombie, all bets are off.

2. We’re hyper-sexual

Sorry to get your hopes up, but this is a myth. Not everyone who is bipolar is Netflix and chillin’ every night. And even if we were, it’s none of your business.

3. We can’t be trusted

Don’t worry, we’re not going to steal your sneakers or share your secrets. I’m actually a very loyal friend. I’m great at keeping secrets. For example, I’ve never told anyone that my friend Victoria steals the toilet paper from her work and that I once caught her flossing her teeth with her hair. Wait…pretend I didn’t write that.

4. We’re not really bipolar because bipolar disorder is a made up mental health condition

Whenever I hear people questioning the legitimacy of bipolar disorder, I always ask, “Where did you go to medical school again?” That usually shuts them up. Then I remind myself that those who think bipolar disorder isn’t real are the same people who believe that the earth is flat and that Jay Z is a time-traveling vampire.

5. There’s no hope. We’re doomed

False. There ARE ways to manage bipolar. Medication, therapy, exercise, getting enough sleep and a healthy diet are just some of the great ways we manage our disorder. However, sometimes, lying in bed and eating a pound of chocolate while crying works just as well.

6. Bipolar is a weakness of mind and we should just get over it

Mental illness is difficult for some people to understand because unlike other illnesses, you can’t always see it. The wounds are internal and the pain is often hidden behind closed doors, but it is a legitimate medical condition that requires treatment. You wouldn’t tell a person with pneumonia to just get over it. And you wouldn’t look at someone with a broken arm and say, “You’re just being weak.”

If you would say those things, you need to enrol in a human anatomy class ASAP.

7. We’re manic all the time

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT!?! I’M NOT MANIC! I’M JUST REALLY EXCITED! LET’S GO SKYDIVING WITHOUT A PARACHUTE! I’M THE SMARTEST PERSON IN THE WORLD! I LOVE YOU! I HAVEN’T SLEPT IN A YEAR!

Never mind…everything is awful. I hate you. I’m going to bed.
Some people think this is what it’s like for us every day, but it’s not. Mania comes in episodes; it’s not constant.

8. Arguments and disagreements are always our fault

When you are honest about yourself, you run the risk of having it unfairly thrown back in your face. During a disagreement, the blame tends to fall on us. Why? Because it’s easy, and then the other parties involved don’t have to take any responsibility. But the truth is, it’s not always our fault. Sometimes I’m a jackass and sometimes you are too. It’s that simple.

9. We’re crazy.

Unfortunately, crazy has become synonymous with bipolar. Whenever someone thinks a person is acting “crazy,” they label him or her bipolar. Here’s the deal – we are somewhat crazy, but so is everyone else. We live in a crazy world and it rubs off on all of us. Own it. Embrace your crazy because there is no such thing as a normal person. The people who are willing to admit they’re crazy, are actually the sanest ones of all. Self-awareness is cool!

10. We’re all really attractive

This isn’t actually a myth. It’s true! Everyone with bipolar disorder is insanely attractive (see what I did there). We’re also very humble. We’re hot and we’re humble, but mostly hot.

Written by Joleen Lunzer

http://palegurl.com

Comedian and Transgender Frontwoman of The Axis of Awesome, Jordan Raskopoulos lists 10 things she misses from before she transitioned from male to female

1. Pockets
It is now a remarkable thing if an item of clothing I own, has pockets. So much so, that I’m afraid of using them, because I won’t think to look in them if I’ve lost something.

2. Not crying at all the Pixar movies
Before I transitioned I was an emotional brick wall. Now I cry all the time. I dropped a carton of milk and cried last week. I literally cried over spilt milk. SO many feels.

3. Running without my chest hurting
I love my boobs, they’re the best. I grew ’em myself and I’m very proud of ’em. Whenever I want boobs – I got boobs. But oh my god, they hurt a bunch when you’re doing anything active, like descending stairs.

4. Not being patronised about the Marvel Universe
Before I transitioned, folks presumed I was competent at pretty much anything I was doing. Now I have guys trying to explain stuff to me all the time. It’s cool dude, I know who Dr Strange is.

5. Urinals
There’s a lot of things I don’t miss about men’s bathrooms, but I do miss the convenience of just waltzing in, pissing on the wall and waltzing out… I mean, technically I could probably do this in the ladies’ bathrooms as well but…

6. Pockets
Did I mention that there’s a distinct deficit of small bags sewn into women’s clothes? Cause there is. A severe deficit.

7. Upper body strength
Testosterone fuels muscle growth and once I’d gotten that hormone out of my body, my muscle mass began to dwindle. I mean there were plenty of positive changes too (boobs) but I do miss being able to effortlessly lift sh*&!

8. Not getting my butt grabbed
Everyday harassment wasn’t really a thing before I transitioned. I lived in the ignorance that, every day, ladies cop a torrent of whistles, butt grabs and all manner of harassments. It’s an awful thing. Let it be known that it is not okay to grab my butt (or anyone else’s) unless I/they explicitly invite you to.

9. A simple morning routine
I do miss that I used to just walk out the door, think to myself “am I wearing pants?” and if the answer was affirmative, I could carry on with my day. Now I gotta brush my hair and stuff.

10. Pockets
Yeah, pockets. I really do miss pockets.

Follow Jordan on Twitter: @JordanRasko